⚠️ FINAL WARNING ⚠️
You are about to adopt a fully grown 29-year-old British man-child. This is NOT reversible.
ADOPT SAM
Legally Binding Man-Baby Acquisition Portal
WHAT YOU'RE GETTING:
- • One (1) Samuel, age 29, permanently unemployable
- • Lynx Africa scent (permanent)
- • 2009 Clubcard points (your problem now)
- • Extensive knowledge of why Xbox is peak gaming
- • Ability to turn any room into a "gaming den"
- • Midnight toastie demands (non-negotiable)
TERMS & CONDITIONS (Legally Binding):
Clause 1: Feeding Schedule
You must provide unlimited toasties at 3:17 AM. Failure to do so results in Sam appearing at your bedside with sad eyes until you comply.
Clause 2: The "It's Not a Phase" Protocol
Sam reserves the right to scream "IT'S NOT A PHASE, MUM" until age 45. You must nod sympathetically.
Clause 3: Financial Obligations
You are now financially responsible for his 2009 Tesco Clubcard points (current value: £0.47).
Clause 4: Daylight Restrictions
If Sam sees daylight for more than 30 consecutive seconds, the contract auto-renews for eternity. Keep curtains closed.
Clause 5: Julia Clause
Despite your ownership, Julia (Mum) will still do his washing. This is non-negotiable and supersedes all other agreements.
Clause 6: Gaming Den Rights
Sam may convert any room in your property into a "gaming den" with 24 hours notice. This includes but is not limited to: bathrooms, cupboards, and your bedroom.
Clause 7: No Returns
There is NO return policy. All sales final. Sam cannot be house-trained or re-homed.
Enter Your Name (For The Certificate of Shame):
By entering your name, you acknowledge that you have made a terrible decision.
TOTALLY REAL TESTIMONIALS:
"I adopted Sam and now my wife calls him 'sweetie'. 10/10 regret"
- Dave, age 42
"He ate all my Hobnobs and proposed to my Alexa"
- Karen, age 38
"Turned my garage into a 'gaming den'. Still hasn't left. It's been 14 months."
- Nigel